The Perfect First Post

Content Warning: Sexual Assault

Kidding! #thereisnosuchthingasperfect!

I have been putting this post off for months. I was worried about how best to convey what Cukinus is. I was worried about the content of the post, the style of the post and the timing of the post. I wanted to explain myself and Cukinus in a way that was both concise and linear. The thing is Cukinus exists as one of my many responses to being sexually assaulted. Nothing about sexual assault or the aftermath is concise and nothing about the healing process is linear I've come to terms with knowing this post may not be perfect and I am finally alright with that.

On a previous draft of this post I went into detail about who the man that raped me is and the violence and abuse I experienced during our time together. The abuse acted as a kind of trick mirror and I began to see myself and situations in ways that weren't congruent with reality. While I do believe those aspects of said relationship are pieces of the picture they aren't the biggest or even the most significant pieces. At the end of the day, in this story, he doesn't matter. This story is mine and the journey is about how I have grown in wellness.

Women of color, especially Black women, live in a world that is hell bent on our destruction. Our stories demand to be about healing//joy//pleasure//love and not centered around our hurt and those that hurt us. Survival is only the beginning. We have a right to thrive. - Me. At the writing of this post.

Sexual assault isn't always immediately recognized by the body nor have I always been conscious of the effects of the assault. During a therapy session I realized I had become dissociated from my genitals. The disassociation would most often manifest in the form of needing to be high or drunk during any kind of intimacy, not wanting to wear nice undergarments, and a weird thing about the zipper/crotch area of my pants being visible (my shirts needed to be long or I needed to tie something around my waist). I was deeply ashamed of a part of my body and that shame was rippling outward and harming other parts of my life.

After that session I decided I was ready to move forward with Cukinus, which at that point was just a set of pieces I commissioned from Narita Sharma. In the middle of the night I woke up, rolled over and recorded myself groggily stating what Cukinus was to represent. It went a little something like this:

1. Female genitals must be represented outside of a consumption model

Most frequently images of the vagina are either pornographic in nature and most often depicted for the pleasure and consumption of others; OR they are hyper clinical and only a means to the ends of procreation. It is rare we see the vagina as neutral//beautiful//powerful due to its own merits. The decision to have any Cukinus images show the clitoris is meant to highlight the necessity of feminine pleasure in all areas of life. The OG Cukinus design depicts the recently "discovered" full anatomy of the clitoris while the Pocketbook design depicts the vulva with the clitoris being part of the whole.

2. Cukinus is for everyone

Anyone and everyone can wear and engage with Cukinus as a way to uplift and celebrate the power of feminine energy and pleasure. Depictions are whimsical in design to carve out a different side to how we see and interact with female genital anatomy. Being honest the anatomy of the clitoris is already quite whimsical all on its on.

3. Who runs the world? (Black+Brown)Girls!

Women of color will be the main builders and beneficiaries of Cukinus.

With all that being said:

With love and gratitude,

M